Myopic – Text Only

Malton Myopic – The ALL-NEW Malton Messenger! TEXT ONLY EDITION (Full version HERE)

Malton Myopic – Volume 20. Friday 6 March 2015.

  • Hole discovery ‘points to waste solution’

North Yorkshire County Council waste disposal officials are ‘over the moon’ with the discovery of a very big hole by the side of the A169 Pickering to Whitby road. The hole, which is not far from the former Saltersgate pub, which is not far from RAF Fylingdales, which itself is not far from the North Yorkshire Moors Railway which passes through the famous village of Heartbeat, is estimated to be capable of taking over a billion cubic metres of household refuse.

A Council spokesperson said “If we consider that each person in the County is responsible for 247 tonnes of refuse each year, multiplied by the landfill tax, divided by recycling credits, times by three because of transport issues, minus the cost of new incinerator plants, less toxic licensing cost issues, plus cross-county border fees and charges, divided in half by bulk handling economies but adding approximately 47% for official discharge warrants, the use of this hole for tipping could save the council tax payer about 6p a year. It’s a real opportunity and a welcome boost in a time of austerity.”

A spokesperson for the North York Moors National Park Authority however aired a note of caution: “Technically, this is our hole, so you can keep your hands off it.” The Myopic understands that the next stage in the planning process is 12 years of wrangling and hand-wringing between the two authorities.

  • Myopic Readers have a say
    Last week’s question:
    Should you pay taxes?
    Yes: 0% No 100%

Next week’s question: Are the times a’changin’?

  • Flock horror

The Interior Design Unit at Malton Police Station has issued an urgent warning to anyone considering using flock wallpaper: ‘We’re on to you.’ Inspector Mondelblano told the Myopic in an exclusive interview that not many people were aware that flock wallpaper was made illegal in the Criminal Justice Act 2013.

He said “It’s still possible to get flock wallpaper on the black market, and we are seeing container loads coming through Driffield and Ampleforth every week. It’s then often cut into small squares that addicts can roll up and sniff. It can also be pasted onto walls so that multiple users can rub their noses on it at the same time at so-called ‘flock parties.’ We are on the look out for people with abrasions on the end of their noses, and arrests will follow if it appears there is flock. We can detect the tiniest amount, so let’s not have any silly nonsense that you fell over at Homebase or something.”

  • Chippies face new craze

Malton’s fish and chip shops have been battered by customers demanding the latest craze to hit the market – it’s out with cod and haddock – and in with ‘Minnow Sausages’ (Phoxinus Farciminis). A spokes- person for well-loved chippie Jackie Taylor’s of Butchers Corner said “You won’t find these in Fraisthorpe.”

  • Poem Of The Day
    The crisp morning dew, awake, awake, awake! And the kettle has a steamy spout. Adieu.

– E. Smithson


Malton Myopic – Volume 19. (DOUBLE ISSUE) 2 March 2015.

  • Ryedale wins world beating tourist attraction

A fierce competition between Paris, Beijing, Mombasa and Ryedale has ended with a resounding success for Ryedale’s tourism chiefs. The hotly contested “Sitting In Front Of The Pylons” franchise has been won by Ryedale after several rounds of voting by experts drawn from the worldwide electrotourism industry. 164 nations participated in the voting.

Photo caption: Visitors enjoy the thrilling experience of the ‘Sitting In Front Of The Pylons’ installation at last year’s Filey Electroride Festival. See photo here

Helena Bonham-Smith, executive director of the Malton and Norton Travel Agents Association said “Well done to Ryedale. Our pylons are now recognised as world beaters, we’re best in class, this is effing A. Now all we need is to get the top ranking in the upcoming Oily Derek Awards and we’ve cracked it. My only fear there is that Texas was passed over last year, and they have really made a big effort this time.”

A straw poll of visitors walking past the Myopic’s offices in Wheelgate were evenly split on the value of winning the Pylons 2015 title. One, Herr Obermeister from Dusseldorf said “Where is your power station, ya?” Moira Mobbs, from Doncaster said “Is there the slightest chance you could just b****r off please?” Pete (not his real name) simply said “It simply makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, man it’s like wow man.”

  • Lightning strikes twice for local man

Joe Moonday thought his troubles were over after he recovered from falling on to his bed after a mishap getting dressed. But the Myopic can now exclusively reveal that only two days later Joe once again came close — as he put it—to the ‘Grim Reaper.’

Joe had had a particularly heavy time whilst attending to his ablutions and resorting to the use of the toilet brush found his arm being sucked into the lavatory. He said it was like the time he was on the London Underground underground railway service when his arm was caught in the closing doors. Then he had raced along the platform until somebody pushed the emergency stop button. But this time there was no emergency stop button. Joe said “I’m definitely getting one fitted. Sometimes it’s a pretty big job, so I think I need to be better prepared.”

  • Myopic Readers have a say

Last week’s question:
Was the conversion rate between the Icelandic Króna and the Japanese Yen set at the correct level during the Russo-Japanese war of 1904-05?
Yes: 100% No 0%

Next week’s question: Should you pay any taxes?

  • Scagglethorpegate: latest

Major Leonard Coup has now been officially declared ‘on the run.’ This means that Interpol has been authorised to beef up its detective team in South America. 16 officers are now tasked with interviewing the Major. The officers are understood to be preparing their questions in Rio de Janeiro despite the distractions of Carnival.

  • Poem Of The Day

I really love me. Me I really do. Do.

– M. Smithson

  • Another rail theft—so new bridge is built

Malton’s rail services are running normally again, following the replacement of the bridge over the River Ouse at York which had been reported stolen three weeks ago. Malton Police station’s Stolen Bridge Unit believe the previous bridge may have been trafficked on the international stolen bridge market.


Malton Myopic – Volume 18. (DOUBLE ISSUE) 2 March 2015.

  • Banks pile into Malton’s fracking ‘goldrush’

The identity of the latest bank to take up residence in Malton’s financial quarter has been announced. It will be the First Euripides Commerce Bank AE from Athens. The Chief Executive, George Aristophanes told the Myopic in an exclusive interview: “Malton is the place to be, with its government guaranteed fracking boom coming. We can make shed loads of money here.”

Malton’s traders have taken the news of yet another bank arriving with a pinch of salt. One trader told the Myopic “Does this mean there will be more bank robbers? Might it attract the wrong kind of person to the town?” These views were echoed by another trader who said “Look at Saville Street now – sixteen banks in one street can’t be the best way forward.”

Concern is also being expressed by members of the Malton Marijuana Growers Association,
already facing an existential threat from climate change. Their spokesperson ‘Pete’ (not his real name) said he was dazed by the pace of change. “mannn . . like yeah … errr … you got some Columbian then man, like wow, crazy.”

  • Slingsby inventor hospitalised

The well known Slingsby inventor and entrepreneur Jolyon Herbert was rushed to Malton Hospital’s Intensive Care Unit last night with multiple injuries all over his body. Unconfirmed reports say he had slipped on his latest anti-burglar device.

Apparently the device consisted of two A4 sheets of acetate transparency plastic sellotaped together and placed on the top step of the stairs in the Herbert’s family home. It is likely Mr Herbert had forgotten he had left the sheets in place. It seems his theory is that when downward momentum on the χ axis displaces the frictional force of the lateral axis γ it results in a forward movement ₦. Mrs Herbert said “Inventor me a**e. He’s just a b****y idiot. Goin’ to the Grapes love?”

  • Everybody loves your new-look Myopic!
  • Starting soon in your Malton Myopic

A sign of the times: Malton’s banking sector grows in stature and hard-earned respect.

Photo caption: Malton’s best loved taxi drivers Steve and Steve with the new- look Myopic. They say “It beats the FT any day for local news” See photo here.


Malton Myopic – Volume 17. Saturday 28 February 2015

  • River threat: Malton anglers up in arms

As the Malton Myopic predicted 20 years ago, the River Derwent is going to dry out in two years time because of climate change. Scientists have repeatedly warned that the river is especially vulnerable to the effects of climate change, serving as it does a large water-intensive marijuana growing industry.

Now, in an escalation of the row over the river’s future, two anglers from Malton’s historic Trout and Salmon Fishers Society have written a letter to Baroness Carp, the Minister responsible for angling, demanding that she take action. She, in return, has responded by saying that she will have “to run it past Anne first.”

Photo caption: The River Derwent in two years time (See photo here)

One of the anglers, Bethany Marvel, speaking exclusively to the Myopic said “My husband’s going to see a lot more of me if I can’t go fishing. It’s doin’ me ’ed in.” When asked about how climate change may intrude on his domestic life, Bethany’s husband Kyle said “Dunno mate, climate’s always changin’ innit?”

Malton’s marijuana growers are being urged to speak to the police about the consequences for their industry.

  • Myopic Readers have a sayLast week’s question: Should we bring back hanging and flogging?
    Yes: 100% No 0%Next week’s question: Is the universe heading towards a Big Freeze, a Big Rip, a Big Crunch, or a Big Bounce? Or is it part of an infinitely recurring cyclic model?
  • Warm reception for Royal VIP

Last week’s meeting of the Malton and Norton Hirsute Society had an unexpected surprise when a VIP visitor dropped in to give a talk about texturing and layering.

Just as the Chairman was about to complete his seminar on ‘summer manicuring and the use of tweezers,’ Prince Bin Farak Al Jazz Era, on a flying visit to the Malton area, came and gave an ex tempore explanation of the latest techniques in beard management. Society Chairman Hedley Pippitt told the Myopic afterwards “What a wonderful surprise. The Prince was a real gentleman. He gave us some spectacular insights into trimming, follicle calibration and cross-brushing. It was a real eye opener and I can’t wait to pass his insights on to the Ladies’ Section.” Member Bert Umble said “It doesn’t take a genius to know that this was a very special occasion. I will remember this day for the rest of my life, if I live that long.”

  • Ugly scene at jazz club

The normally harmonic rhythms of Ebberston Jazz Club were interrupted most unexpectedly at last week’s regular club night when a dispute over a winning raffle ticket led to a string of sausages being forced up a trombone in the ensuing ruckus.

The row erupted when Colin Beermantle, a vegetarian member of the audience, won the last prize in the raffle—a string of pork sausages. Mr Beermantle insisted he should have won the Wold Top beer instead, and in a tussle between ticket holders the sausages ended up in the bell end. Thankfully, the band’s drummer was able to repeat his solo, and this subdued the crowd. The police were not called but first aid was adminis-tered at the scene to a man suffering a lydo-mixian seizure.

  • Starting soon in your Malton Myopic
    A Day In The Life Of Albie: Love Conquers All!
    Be sure of your copy

Malton Myopic – Volume 16. Tuesday 24 February 2015

  • Malton prepares lock- down for royal visit

Malton will be on full alert next Wednesday for the first full-scale visit of Prince Bin Farak Al Jazz Era, a member of Saudi Arabia’s royal family. The Prince is visiting Malton at the invitation of Sir Harry Geraghty, who first came to know the Prince whilst travelling in the desert as an equerry to Prince Charles.

Sir Harry, an independent candidate for Thirsk and Malton in the next general election speaking exclusively to the Myopic said “This could lead to a very important boost to our local economy. When I told the Prince that we only had two pet shops in the whole area he was very concerned. He is a great lover of degus, and believes that more people should have the chance to keep these lovable creatures. He is talking about opening several new degu shops in Malton alone, and he will I hope look at Norton’s needs too.”

A spokesperson for the Traffic Unit at Malton Police Station said that on the afternoon of the visit, as a mark of respect for the Prince, women will be asked not to drive their cars in public and all blogging should cease. Special security arrangements will be in place along the Prince’s entire route from Sheffield-Doncaster-Barnsley Robin Hood-Maid Marian International Airport to Brambles Hall, Norton where Sir Harry will be entertaining the Prince over afternoon tea and scones.

It is believed that the Prince will also be taking a look around some local racehorse stables, as well as reviewing his extensive plans for fracking across Ryedale and its possible impact on degus.

Photo caption: Prince Bin Farak Al Jazz Era Pic: © Nell’s Photo Agency (see photo here)

  • Ryedale to be ‘Godless in ten years’ says Cleric

The Peripatetic Prebendary Canon Of York Diocese (Ryedale Division), the Very Reverend Canon Melanie Ball has described the future of the area as a “Godless pit worse than any hell hole found in the Old Testament.”

In her statement, conveyed in a series of tweets, Canon Ball said “If Moses were alive today he’d have something to say about this.” “He would lift up his tablet and say Yay! Ye are the people of Ye Ding Ham and the loins of yonder Great Wood” “Where is thy modesty? Where is thy shame? Thou who wert in thrall to Tescos now worship another Aldi.” The Myopic has been given to understand that Canon Ball has been put in charge of market testing new styles of message outreach delivery which will be rolled out to all ‘engagement czar’ vicars next year as part of the Church’s ongoing remote strategic modal capability development plan.


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Malton Myopic – Volume 15. Friday 20 February 2015

  • Family feud splits village — meeting called

A meeting is being called in Low Marishes Leisure Centre in an effort to end an argument which has split a prominent local family and their supporters at the pub. The family’s rift began when Moira Willowbrae decided she wanted to convert her existing kitchen into a new bathroom and vice versa. Her husband Derry, and the couple’s nephew James have opted for the status quo. Matters came to a head on Monday when James was found outside the property with a twelve bore shotgun.

In an exclusive interview with the Myopic, Mrs Willowbrae said “It’s all been getting out of hand. It makes obvious sense to make the switch, since at the moment there’s no room in the kitchen for a fridge/freezer, and we could also have a fancy shower instead of the old bath with the broken enamel. Derry likes his old bath but I think he has got to move out with the times.”

Derry Willowbrae told the Myopic, in the presence of a lawyer, that the dispute ran deeper than the kitchen/bathroom switch. He said “The insinuation that lies behind this is that I didn’t like the way she rearranged the living room. I admit I didn’t want my armchair moving [into the garden] but since I can still see our new telly through the window I was not that bothered. It’s when she got a new chair and a new bloke to sit in it that I got upset.”

Mr and Mrs Willowbrae first met in B&Q. The village meeting will end with a secret ballot on whether the kitchen/ bathroom switch is justified. A spokes- person for the Interior Design Unit at Malton Police Station said they were ‘monitoring the situation daily.’ James claimed he was ‘just shooting rabbits.’ A strange man wearing only his underpants was spotted outside the Willowbrae’s front door on Monday night.

Photo caption: Mrs Willowbrae’s preferred option for a new fridge/freezer is this 4,000 cubic litre Zanussi floor to ceiling model with built-in water cooler, champagne chiller, meat hanger (with optional space for pheasant hanging), patented butter soft- ener and walk-in fruit and veg area. It costs £23,000 plus VAT. See the photo.

  • Artichoke tampering: man arrested

Malton Police Station’s Root Vegetable Unit has confirmed it is holding a suspect on suspicion of tampering with artichokes in Morrison’s Barton-le-Street super-market. It is believed that the man, in his late fifties, may be a member of the Fraisthorpe Artichoke Regeneration Trust. However, the Trust, which prefers not to be known by its acronym has denied it knows anything about the attack. It is believed that the suspect was found injecting artichokes with hallucinogenic substances to lure customers into making repeat purchases.

  • Coup: investigation delayed

The Interpol team which travelled to South America to interview Major Leonard Coup in the ‘Scagglethorpegate’ arts biennale fraud case will not now be returning for another eight weeks. The nine-man team have decided to combine their investigation with “a spot of annual leave,” according to an Interpol spokesperson, speaking exclusively to the Myopic.

  • Slingsby man in near miss avoids serious injury

For Joe Moonday last Monday began just like any other day. Little did he know that it could have been a fateful date with destiny. It was a day when a small mistake could have led to tragedy.

Getting dressed early that morning Joe, for reasons he still cannot explain, decided to put his underpants on before his socks. As he raised his left leg to put his foot through the garment it caught between his toes, and the entanglement made him lose his balance. Averting catastrophe, Joe fell safely onto the bed.

Speaking exclusively to the Myopic, Joe said “I’m grateful to be alive. At the time it seemed my whole life just rushed by and I could feel myself slipping out of consciousness. It’s a miracle. I’ll always put my socks on first in future.”

Malton Myopic – Volume 14. Tuesday 17 February 2015

  • Direct rule for Ryedale comes closer

Ryedale District Council, facing a £1.6 billion funding shortfall over the next two years, is set to be abolished according to secret plans – seen by the Myopic – prepared by the government’s Department of Communities and Social Disintegration.

The Council’s functions under the daring scheme would be taken over by a Governor-General appointed by ministers. The Governor would have absolute power to decide on the future of public conveniences, road markings (unclassified roads only) and making small grants to obsequious toadies. In addition the classified paper which has yet to gain ministerial approval suggests that the Governor could have some judicial powers, including a discretionary power to impose capital punishment for such crimes as stealing sheep, lighting candles and any misdemeanours causing the Governor distress.

A spokesperson for Eric Pickles MP, the Communities Minister said “The minister recognises the fantastic job RDC has done, but believes no change is not an option. He wants Ryedale to become a beacon pathfinder blue-sky authority, finding new ways of saving money. The almost complete cessation of service delivery is the best way forward.” Colonel “Blaster” Saunders, speaking for the local Conservative Party said “We’ve played a blinder on UKIP and saved democracy at the same time.” The Independent parliamentary candidate for Thirsk and Malton, Sir Harry Geraghty commented “This is more pinko-leftie nonsense. We need to get a grip.”

Photo caption: Above: Two RDC office staff find an alternative way of getting to work following the ‘cost saving’ closure of the council HQ’s lifts. See photo

  • ‘Ban these wretched biros’ – Councillor

A senior member of Ryedale District Council is calling for a ban on people sucking on biros in public places. Coun. Cedric Lom (Con, Malton Outer) claims that in the last few years there has been a sudden increase in the number of people sucking their biros in the street. Coun. Lom told a full council meeting “I don’t know what’s brought this on. Do these things taste of something? Everywhere you go you see people sucking away and I don’t think it is an attractive habit. The next thing you know there’ll be chewy biros and then people will be spitting all over the pavement. We have to nip this in the bud right now.” The matter was referred to the By-laws Sub-Committee for further consideration.

  • ‘Climate Change to blame’ for Malton rubber glove shortage

Malton’s army of houseproud shoppers has been clamouring for several weeks for new supplies of their essential accoutrement, the humble rubber glove. But as reported in the national press, plucky Malton is no exception: the UK has been hit by a rubber glove famine.

The Myopic has learnt that the shortage is one of the predicted impacts of climate change. With an increase in flooding, more people are simply having to ‘mop up.’ Prof. John Hinckelbuer of York University’s Climatology Department told your favourite newspaper “The time has come to realise that we have to adapt. Of course things will run short when extra demand is placed in the system, and rubber gloves are no exception. It doesn’t take a university professor to tell you that, you moron.”

Malton Myopic – Volume 13. Thursday 12 February 2015

  • Historic discovery in Town Hall state rooms

Malton’s iconic Town Hall was rocked to its foundations yesterday by the amazing accidental discovery of an Old Master masterpiece painted on the ceiling of the State Dining Room.

It is believed that the painting is a fresco by Peter Paul Rubens, who came to England to meet Charles I in 1704 and who painted the ceiling of the Banqueting House in London’s famous Whitehall. Until now, it was always believed that Rubens never went further north than Willesden on his visit to England.

Speaking exclusively to the Myopic, the Deputy Under-Superintendent of Works at the Town Hall said “We’re all chuffed to bits about this. The ceiling was whitewashed over sometime before the First World War to hide it from the Germans, but no records were kept of any of the treasures on display in the State Rooms. We were doing a bit of cleaning the other day and suddenly a flake of whitewash fell off revealing this amazing pink bum.”

A spokesperson for Ryedale District Council said “The State Rooms are never open to the public so what’s it got to do with you?” The spokesperson later added “Hang on, the building is not actually ours so can I take that remark back and perhaps buy you a coffee or something?”

Photo caption: A view of the State Dining Room, Malton Town Hall See photo here

  • Coup: ‘I will never surrender’

Major Leonard Coup, the embattled Chair of the Trustees of the Scagglethorpe Arts Biennale has issued a defiant statement following the issue of an international arrest warrant by Malton Police, on suspicion of grand theft. This follows the discovery of 64 keys in the stomach of the late Mrs Dilys Gladpole, the former arts director of the crisis-hit organisation. Her remains were disinterred last week.

The specialist Arts Crime Unit at Malton Police Station have confirmed exclusively to the Myopic that many of the keys are of the type that fit safe deposit boxes as used in major Parisian banks. Major Coup was last seen in France. It is thought he may have absconded with the £37.13p raised in a recent bring and buy fundraising event.

In an extraordinary turn of events, the Myopic received an exclusive phone call from Major Coup who told us “This is a general disaster. I am innocent of all charges and I will return to prove my innocence. My legal team in Bolivia, where I have been forced to relocate are quite sure that these charges are a result of a conspiracy by that b*****d Godfrey Broadfark or whatever his name is to wrest control of the Biennale.” Detectives from Interpol are currently travelling to Lima to interview Major Coup. They are due to return in six weeks’ time.


By Order:

National Abstract Figurative Day (12th March, 2015) has been cancelled. All work on Abstract Figurative works must cease forthwith.

Until further notice any incidents of abstract figuration made should be reported to the Police quoting reference 2+2=5

Offences under Sect. 6 of the Abstract Figuration Act 1948 carry a maximum penalty of £1,000 and/or six months imprisonment.

Issued on behalf of Her Majesty’s Government By the Secretary of State for Culture, Media & Sport

Malton Myopic – Volume 12. Monday 9 February 2015

  • High hopes to save ancient Salton event

After 742 years, an ancient annual tradition in Salton seemed on the verge of collapse. But villagers are now hopeful that they can save ‘Ye Olde Tosse’ from extinction. No-one quite knows how the event, which involves throwing a well known personality over the village beck came about.

Photo caption: Last year’s ‘tosset’ was Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg (pictured) who unfortunately landed head first in the beck and had to be rescued by Malton Fire Brigade.

This year the organising committee, charged with finding somebody suitably well known to toss over the river had almost drawn a blank on finding somebody to throw.

Mrs Sylvia Brownlea, Chair of the Patrons of Ye Olde Tosse, in an exclusive interview with the Myopic said “We wanted Richard Burton this year but somebody told us he had sadly passed away. Then we thought of Nigel Farage, but for obvious reasons that was dropped. We never heard back from Angelina Jolie, she’s quite well known isn’t she? I suppose we could have Gerald Depardue.” A source close to the organising committee said they are now confident that this year’s ‘tosset’ could be Harry Gration, the well-known TV Personality. According to our source, the only stumbling block would be whether Mr Gration could pass the strict medical test, because of his advancing years.


The Rolling Stones
Marton Village Hall
There was something very moving in the way Mick Jagger handled the role of Malvolio in the Stone’s latest shift into the classical repertoire, making a debut performance of Verdi’s La Triviatta to a capacity crowd in the fine acoustical grande chambre of Marton Village Hall.

But the timbre of Jagger’s voice was no equal to the sheer sonority of guest tenor Bryn Terfil, playing the part of Puck, and this led to a disconcerting dischord which threatened at times to destabilise what otherwise could have been a five star evening of sublime harmony.

Of course, Jagger at 76 may not have been expected to display the sheer vocal agility of his younger counterpart, but there was the additional problem of him having a slightly hazy grasp of the libretto. This became evident in Act III when in the bathtub scene he lapsed into I can’t (get no) satisfaction. True, he quickly recovered, and it is possible some members of the audience less familiar with the Stones’ earlier canon will not have recognised the mistake. Charlie Watts’ timpani as ever was nothing less than mesmerising. Sheridan Moreby.

  • Train crash in Helmsley: no-one hurt

(by our Helmsley correspondent) A head-on collision involving a Virgin Trains Pendolino and the famous steam engine Mallard occurred in Helmsley early on Wednesday morning. The crash caused serious damage and rolling stock was derailed. British Transport Police say that a man in his early sixties has been arrested on suspicion of a drink-related offence.

Fortunately the accident only involved 00 gauge trains in a layout in the man’s spare bedroom, so no-one was injured. Updates on this story can be found on BBC Look North.

  • Fresh turmoil for Scagg arts fest

In a macabre twist in the continuing struggle for power in the higher echelons of the Scagglethorpe Arts Biennale it has emerged that a breakaway group of committee members have called in the police in a bid to have the remains of former arts director, the late Mrs Dilys Gladpole disinterred (dug up).

The leader of the breakaway group, Godfrey Broadacres told the Myopic “We have taken control of the cash tin but can’t find the key anywhere. We have grounds to believe that Mrs Gladpole swallowed the key in a bid to conceal theft on a grand scale. When we shook the tin it didn’t make any noise at all—we don’t think there’s anything in it, despite the fact that we raised £37.13p at our last bring and buy sale.” A local doctor told the Myopic unofficially that the cause of Mrs Gladpole’s death was “asphyxiation through choking.”

Malton Myopic – Volume 11. Saturday 7 February 2015

  • Secret Brawby bunker to stay secret — MoD

Tight lipped Ministry of Defence officials have refused to confirm or deny that a secret nuclear missile site exists near Brawby. The allegation is the latest to emerge from the shadowy underground direct action group “Sewers for Peace.”

“Pete” (not his real name), a member of the group, told the Myopic that he had seen military personnel disguised as Yorkshire Water operatives lurking around the entrance to the site. He said he had been able to identify them as military chaps by the fact that they were wearing shoes with highly polished toecaps and new-looking overalls with sharp creases. He said “This confirms my fear that Brawby will be in the firing line for a major nuclear strike by President Putin. As a target it makes Fylingdales look like a Filey B&B.”

An aerial view of the sewage treatment works reveals how the missiles are contained in circular silos, with long hydraulic arms that lift the lids off, according to Sewers for Peace. The group also claims that the building of the Malton by-pass in the 1960s was the direct result of heightened tensions following the Cuban missile crisis, to allow military personnel faster access to the site from their base at Eden Camp.

A local resident, speaking anonymously to the Myopic said, “This explains why our s**t sometimes flows backwards and the street gets flooded. Obviously they don’t want our p**s and s**t b*gg****g up their f*****g nuclear warheads. It’s all c**p.”

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Defence, which is based in London said “We absolutely [REDACTED SEGMENT HERE] anytime soon.”

Photo caption:  It is alleged that Brawby sewage treatment works (pictured) is the location of a top secret nuclear bunker.

  • MoD opposes fracking in Ryedale—latest

The Ministry of Defence have issued a statement to the media regarding their objections to fracking taking place at Kirby Misperton, which is in the Brawby area. They said “We oppose the system of hydraulic fract- uring for oil and gas in this area as we are particularly concerned about a rare buttercup meadow near the River Rye. Polluted water could easily poison this nationally recognised habitat, which is also home to the lesser long tailed cockweaverbird. It’s nothing at all to do with our missiles [REDACTED SEGMENT] at [REDACTED SEGMENT].”


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Malton Myopic – Volume 10. Friday 6 February 2015

  • Chinese eyeing up Malton real estate

It has been described as Britain’s most valuable plot of land. Hundreds of thousands of commuters pass it everyday without so much as a second glance. Highways engineers are simply grateful that it holds up a bridge. But now the Myopic can exclusively reveal that the island in the River Derwent between Malton and Norton has been made the subject of a £multi-billion offer by Chinese industrialist Chu My-Chi.

Photo caption:  An artist’s impression of what the island between Malton and Norton will look like after Mr Chu’s vision for a tropical themed resort is finished. View full version here:

Click here to see Derwent island as it is today (with Yorkshire Water emergency sewer pumps in action).

The Myopic has had sight of astonishing plans by Mr Chu’s Shanghai-based corporation to build a 36-story luxury hotel with tropical health spa and underground car park on the half-acre site. Speaking exclusively to the Myopic a spokesperson for Mr Chu said “When Mr Chu learned that this island had fallen into a no-man’s land between the historic North and East Ridings of Yorkshire and so did not have to pay rates, he immediately realised that he could save £1,023.58 a year (equivalent to a Band B property) on business rates. It was an opportunity too good to miss, not least with the new Heathrow third runway being built here”

The Myopic understands that a planning application will be submitted shortly. It has been rumoured that the plan will involve the total demolition of Malton and Norton.

Photo caption: One of the very rare pictures of Albie on his bike, seen here with a load of groceries on the back of his specially adapted Brompton three wheeler.

  • Sir Harry in bid to be MP

Sir Harry Geraghty has announced that he intends to seek election as Thirsk and Malton’s next Member of Parliament. Sir Harry (85) established his reputation as a campaigner when he founded the tourist agency Willkommen in Norton in 1939.

Sir Harry, speaking from his bed in Blackpool General Infirmary where he is recovering from a head injury, said: “It’s time to get rid of the old guard and get a new guard. I will have guards posted on the corner of every street. People will feel safe again, and we will hear no more from the opposition. Our country stands at the edge of an abyss. The Normans must answer for this. Ein Kuss ist nur ein Kuss.”

The Myopic understands that Sir Harry’s nomination is being supported by another local dignitary, Major Leonard Coup. Major Coup is currently wintering at his home in the south of France and was unavailable for comment. He is a former Conservative and has described local Tory MP Anne McKintosh’s deselection as a “major coup.”

Malton Myopic – Volume 9. Wednesday 4 February 2015

  • Norton’s most famous son, known affectionately by everyone simply as ‘Albie’ could soon be propelled into the Hollywood history books with a new feature film about his life. Megastar Harrison Ford, who has just finished shooting Terminator 6: The Last Artichoke has been mooted to play the leading role.

Albie, whose career doing something or other spanned several decades was Norton’s most prominent cyclist, although he was rarely seen riding his bicycle. Instead he simply loved pushing it around Malton and Norton whilst clutching a bunch of roses, which he would sometimes proffer to passers-by with a cheery greeting.

Albie’s exploits first came to world attention when he sought to gain Guinness Book of Records recognition for his feat of perambulating around the twin towns over two million times. However, his extraordinary effort was not accepted as no-one was available to verify it.

Now, with Tour de Yorkshire fever overwhelming the area, dignitaries are queuing up to shower Albie with honours and recognition. His contribution to world cycling is to be recognised with the erection of a blue plaque on lamppost No. 1264 on Commercial Street, Norton where he often used to lean his bike whilst visiting the bookies.

The Myopic can also reveal that blockbuster star and former husband of Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise has been chosen to play a passing motorist who honks his horn when he sees Albie’s trademark brown herringbone overcoat. Daniel Craig will play the part of Prince Phillip.

In a separate development, Sir Harry Geraghty, boss of tourist agency Willkommen in Norton has proposed that on this year’s Mayday bank holiday, Norton should be renamed “AlbieStadt.” Sir Harry, who is currently recovering from a head injury sustained whilst erecting a “Willkommen in Norton” banner on the Blackpool Tower said “I’m a f*****g genius.” Tributes can be placed on our website.

  • Gruesome discovery in Yorkersgate

Malton police admit that they have drawn a blank on the latest grim discovery in Yorkersgate, which has recently been the scene of several macabre finds. A stumped police spokesperson, speaking exclusively to the Myopic said: “After a report from a member of the public we have recovered a slightly worn tooth brush, blue and pink in colour but not bearing any identification marks. A full forensic examination is now taking place, and until further inquiries are made I am not at liberty to say anything more.” The police cordon around the discovery site has now been removed. Three years ago, a half empty tin of petroleum jelly was discovered in Yorkersgate at the junction with Railway Street and was destroyed in a controlled explosion by an army bomb disposal squad from Catterick.

  • Corrections and clarifications.The Malton Myopic is renowned for its devotion to factual, impartial reporting, so we will always correct any errors that appear in our pages. In the unlikely event that you spot a mistake let us know!
    1. ‘Pete’ has written about our dog on the sofa story to say his Jack Russell terrier was actually called ‘Rinka’ not ‘Harvey’
    2. The Secretary of the Fraisthorpe Artichoke Re- generation Trust has advised us that the type of artichoke which commonly causes flatulence is actually the Jerusalem Artichoke not the variety which appeared in our picture in a recent edition.
    3. The Duchess of Cornwall has contacted us to say that she really loves Ryedale even though she’s not sure where it is.
    4. It has been suggested that our story about a giant human-eating pigeon was in fact a hoax and we are seeking to verify this.

Malton Myopic – Volume 8. 30 January 2015

  • Arts festival in shock as Serota goes

Scagglethorpe’s art scene was in a state of meltdown yesterday as it became clear that following a furious war of words, Sir Nicholas Serota will not now take on the role of Arts Director of the village’s renowned Biennale Arts Festival.

Sir Nicholas announced his departure to a stunned audience of pensioners at the end of a talk called “Mannerism and the Enlightenment” at The Grapes pub in Rillington. He cited a difference of opinion with Festival Trustees Chairman, Major Leonard Coup. For his part, Major Coup said “We are very disappointed. Serota couldn’t organise a clap in a cowshed. Our plan to house the Biennale in a £17 million new gallery to be called Tate Scagglethorpe should have been a shoe-in for this bloke, but he didn’t seem to have a clue about running a gallery.”

In a forthright counterblast, Sir Nicholas, speaking exclusively to the Myopic, said “This lot were doin’ me ’ed in. First of all, they said I could have the keys to Settrington House but when I got through the door I found somebody else living there. Then it turns out the Trustees had already decided the theme of next year’s festival was to be ‘flowers’ when I had explicitly stated I wanted it to be farmyard animals. I made it clear that as an internationally renowned person I should have complete control over artistic direction. I’m not known as a curator for nothing.”

Major Coup has told the Myopic that the festival will now go ahead as a conceptual event, which he claims “Requires no talent at all.”

Photo caption: Major Leonard Coup (top) pictured arriving at the opening of last year’s Scagglethorpe Biennale with the former Arts Director, the late Mrs Dilys Gladpole at the wheel.

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Malton Myopic – Volume 7. 28 January 2015

  • Major coup for local arts festival

The Scagglethorpe Biennale, one of the most significant arts events in the Malton area has announced that Sir Nicholas Serota, the head of the Tate Galleries has agreed to take the reins for next year’s festival.

The news was revealed in an exclusive Myopic interview with Major Leonard Coup, who is the Chairman of the Scagglethrope Biennale Board of Trustees. Major Coup told the Myopic “This is a major coup. The Biennale has been running for over 80 years, and for the last 38 years our arts director, the late Mrs Gladpole built the event up to the point of district-wide recognition. But when Ryedale District Council announced it was withdrawing our £50 grant, we had to ask ourselves how we might go forward. We sent Sir Nicholas a speculative e-mail and he said yes immediately— I am so pleased he is taking time out from his busy schedule of flying between Berlin and New York to join us. I hasten to add that the post of Festival Director is an honorary position, but it does come with the keys to Settrington House.”

Speaking exclusively to the Myopic from his home in Malibu, Sir Nicholas said “I’ve always been up for a challenge, and taking on the Scagglethorpe Biennale must be classed as one of the greatest challenges of contemporary art. I am hoping I will be able to take the number of pavilions into double figures, adding the likes of Sherburn, Rillington and Thorpe Bassett to the list. There is so much untapped talent out there, and even if there isn’t I am sure I can find it.”

Photo caption: Above: Sir Nicholas is a keen model railway enthusiast in his spare time.

  • Jack Russell terrier watches TV with owner

A local man who wishes to remain anonymous has told the Myopic about the incredible moment when his Jack Russell, called ‘Harvey’ came into the living room and settled down to watch TV with him.

Speaking candidly in an exclusive interview with the Myopic, Pete (not his real name) said “Harvey just came into the living room and sat in front of the telly, before jumping up onto the sofa. To be honest, this has happened so many times I wasn’t taken by surprise but all the same it was a special moment. There is no doubt if I hadn’t gone to make some coffee and get a dog biscuit, Harvey could still be there now.”

Harvey watched the whole first half of a football match between Bristol and West Ham. The Myopic understands that Harvey has since been put down.

Malton Myopic – Volume 6. 26 January 2015

  • EXPOSED! Plot to ruin fracking meeting

EXCLUSIVE. Undercover Malton Myopic reporters have revealed a plot by an underground direct action group to disrupt a public meeting about the controversial gas drilling proposals for Ryedale. The meeting to be held at the Milton Rooms may now have to be held with tighter security, with an invitation-only audience and vetting.

The Myopic has learnt that the activists, members of a shadowy group called “Sewers for Peace” plan to attend the meeting after having eaten large amounts of roast artichoke, a well-known source of flatulence. Then they would release large amounts of methane gas inside the hall. Methane leaks often occur around fracking wells and it is a dangerous greenhouse gas that causes global warming.

Speaking exclusively to the Malton Myopic, a Malton police spokesperson said “We are monitoring the situation daily, and our undercover officers will be attending the event. Anyone in the audience seen to be leaning from one side to the other in their seat is liable to be questioned, and we will have trained sniffer dogs in attendance. This kind of threat is taken very seriously. We cannot rule out arrests.”

Photo caption. An artichoke: greengrocers are requested to inform the police of any bulk sales of the vegetable

  • Third Heathrow runway for Malton?

According to an exclusive source known to the Myopic Malton could be the chosen site for the proposed Heathrow airport third runway.

The news has come as a bombshell to traders in the town, who are worried that sales of fine cigars, perfumes and single malt whiskeys will be badly hit due to the proximity of duty free shops. Kaylee Maidnuff, owner of All That Glitters, a luxury goods shop in Wheelgate said “Coming on top of the supermarket this is a disaster.” At the time of going to press, we were not able to establish whether the runway would actually be built on top of the supermarket.

The announcement about the runway came in an exclusive Myopic interview with Russell Motson, our resident astrologer. Russell said “It’s incredible. It came to me in a dream and I remembered it.”

Malton Myopic – Volume 5. 26 January 2015

  • Mystery tree baffles experts

A tree has appeared overnight in his field, according to local farmer Stan Uppleby. Mr Uppleby claims the tree, which stands 70 feet tall and looks like a pylon, was not there when he looked at the field a week ago. He has reported it to the police.

A police spokesperson, speaking exclusively to the Myopic said “We are aware of the sighting of this tree, and we have interviewed a man in connection with it. At the present time we cannot comment on whether there are any suspicious circumstances, although one line of enquiry is whether the tree has been abandoned after a failed robbery. Trees can sometimes be used by criminals to hide stolen goods. We appeal to the public to report any missing trees immediately.”

In a separate development, an expert on trees at York University, Dr Vincent Reet said that he was concerned about an increase in tree rustling. He claims this happens especially on dark windy nights, when there is no moon. He told the Myopic “I am worried that tree rustling causes trees a lot of stress. It is noticeable that particularly in Autumn trees are so stressed by rustling that they even shed their leaves and end up looking like pylons.”

The police are warning members of the public not to approach any vagrant trees, but to calmly walk away. If you think you have spotted a tree that looks like a pylon, be careful not to touch it. They can be dangerous.

  • Last chance for Ryedale man with big ambitions

A local man with stars in his eyes has set himself the ultimate challenge: to win the national lottery next week. Ben Wichell, from Pickering has said that if he doesn’t win big in the game he has decided he will not play it again.

Speaking exclusively to the Myopic, Ben said “I’ve had a pound on every week since 1992 and haven’t won more than £5 or £10, so I’ve decided this week is the last time unless I win more than £5million.

Following his disclosure, Ben says he has been approached by several TV production companies to make a documentary about his life story.

Malton Myopic – Volume 4. 23 January 2015


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  • Habton woman eaten by giant pigeon

Malton police are on the lookout for a giant pigeon after a Great Habton woman was taken off and eaten. The woman has not yet been formally identified.

A neighbour, Mrs Annie Dunsmore told the Myopic “It was about 9.15 in the morning. I was in the back yard putting a trailer of seed out for the birds when a dark shape came over next door and sped off again. I didn’t realise at the time that it was the giant pigeon. I haven’t see my neighbour since.”

A spokesperson for Malton police said “It is important to remember not to overfeed pigeons. They never stop eating and get bigger and bigger. They are greedy buggers at the best of times, but clearly this time one of them has gone too far. I appeal to the public to keep an eye out for any giant pigeons and report any sightings immediately.” Mrs Dunsmore is still at home recovering from shock.

  • Roadside post still missing

A wooden post which had stood for several years on the roadside verge near Kirby Misperton has been reported missing. The post, which was about four feet high had lain on its side after being hit by a tractor in 1978. It had become overgrown and many people didn’t even know it was there.

Local man Kevin Seaborn told the Myopic “To be honest, I’ve lived here since 1982 and I had no idea a post was there.” A statement issued today by North Yorkshire County Council said “A full inquiry will take place as to the circumstances prior to and after the disappearance of this item, which we believe may have been council property.”

Malton Myopic – Volume 3. 18 December 2014

  • Malton railway station is stolen

When bleary-eyed commuters arrived at Malton station yesterday morning they were stunned to find it had gone. Only a small piece of track remains of the once proud station, and there was no sign of any staff or trains.

The theft of the station, which is believed to have taken place over several months, has shocked the town. The Chamber of Trade is calling for an immediate inquiry. Several residents were visibly in shock when the 6.22 to York failed to arrive. The Mayor has called the situation “appalling.”

A spokesperson for Network Rail said “We are aware of the loss of one of our assets in the Malton area and an investigation team is currently conceptualising enquiries. They hope to be in Malton in a matter of days.”

A Malton police spokesperson, speaking exclusively to the Myopic, said “This sadly follows a pattern of attacks on the station, which has been reduced to only one platform after two other platforms were stolen along with the roof years ago. This is definitely the work of master criminals, probably working out of their base in London. Nobody locally has the wherewithal to carry off a stunt like this.” Myopic readers are asked to keep an eye out for cheap railway memorabilia.

  • Statue unveiled of local hero

One of Malton’s most famous sons has been honoured with a statue in the Town Hall. Former magistrate and licensee Bertram ‘Bertie’ Ingold, landlord of The Gate pub in the 1920s became a national hero when he stopped a drunken customer from falling off his stool.

Speaking exclusively to the Myopic in 1924, Bertie said “I’d just finished pulling the 17th pint for this chap, and he was looking in his pocket for some change when I realised he looked a little unsteady. Since I wasn’t serving anyone else at the time I thought I had better help him out.”

Bertie died in 1953 but every year on the anniversary of his birthday free drinks are served at The Gate in his honour.

Malton Myopic – Volume 2. 7 December 2014

  • Filey by-pass ‘dead in the water’ – claim

The long awaited Filey by-pass looks set to be scrapped after engineers discovered a vital mistake has been made in preparing the plans for the new road. Originally planned to open in 2016, officials from North Yorkshire County Council now admit ‘it may never happen.’

Inquiries by the Myopic show a fatal design flaw has been uncovered. This is that in order to save on the costs of compulsorily purchasing land, the planners took the route of the by-pass to the east of Filey. Only when the roadworks got to a cliff edge did the error come to light. It was discovered that the east of Filey is mainly covered by sea water.

A spokesperson for the Council speaking exclusively to the Myopic on condition of anonymity said “We are urgently investigating how this happened. We believe our procedures are robust and our systems are efficient, although when our planning department was outsourced to Gristhorpe Infants School we have noticed a different emphasis.’ No councillor was available for comment.

  • New houses sub-standard say residents

The quality of new houses in Malton’s latest housing estate have been criticised by their new owners. Mr and Mrs Terry Smithson bought a house in Fox Grove and noticed immediately that there were no doors and part of the roof was missing.

The builders, Snappy Homes Ltd, issued a statement saying that the houses meet all the requirements of the government’s new building regula- tions, which are meant to speed up housebuilding.

Mrs Smithson, speaking exclusively to the Myopic said “It’s a disgrace. We’re paying £375,000 for a house which is just a derelict dump.” Local councillor, the Comte de Monsougny du Mornay commented “Je vais regarder dans cette quand je visite l’Angleterre à nouveau, en attendant, le Smithson, err, errr, jamais l’esprit “.


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Malton Myopic – Volume 1. 28 November 2014


Malton Myopic Volume 1. is the subject of an ongoing legal dispute between the publishers of the news sheet and the Trustees of Tate Modern. A spokeswoman for Tate Modern said, “We cannot comment on the specific detail of the case but suffice to say, we are deeply pissed off.”